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Post-search Developments

A realisation that God exists was not enough, it is the Nature of God that I needed to know. Had I ended up with a clear picture on that? Was realisation of God the ultimate goal of all human existence as the end-point? Since the return of my suffering worrying about minor things to major catastrophes such as the fear of losing ones job, the physical sufferring of the infirm and the aged, the uncertainty about prospects for a healthy and cared-for retirement, and Rashmi's fears, I wondered whether I for one would wish to go through the life process again. The answer had to be No. But who knew for certain that there was reincarnation? Although my experience had indicated that there was an after-life as evidenced from the visits of my two mothers to me, and there was indirect evidence of it from people recalling incidents from their previous lives, there was no actual proof of reincarnating souls. And it was highly unlikely that I was going to learn anything more about these matters so that my karmic ladder concept of final absolution (for the so called liberation or moksha, or nirvana) with the Almighty must remain nothing more than a conjecture.

By the next day I was not so sure that moksha or liberation was the eventual purpose of life, not even that a realisation of God was the end-point of human existence. But gradually I was feeling happier with myself because I was now freer in my mind than at any time in the past. I was suddenly beginning to lead my life in detachment of God as well as of all material things, whilst fully acknowledging that He was a Reality and may yet continue to guide me further in life. Perhaps this feeling of detachment could be termed liberation for it was tantamount to living without fear of any kind. Whether it would also guarantee non-return to life on Earth if reincarnation is indeed a rule of Nature, must remain unanswerable.

I now had no particular love for God, nor was I devoted to Him, but I did do pranam occasionally. I did not live with faith in Him that there would be good times ahead for me and my family in this material world, although a lingering glimmer of hope still seem persist in my heart on the issue. I was largely content to doing the right thing for every situation that I found myself in and during every encounter I had with other human beings. For this I continued to rely on Him to come through. If I did once again receive clear messages from God I would act accordingly. In the meantime to 'take care of everything' even though very vague as a religious prescription would have to be the guide.

During the night of 25 February 2007 thoughts continued and I reflected on short poems that I had attempted to write as a teenager, with one line going: 'the mind roamed in crowded streets of thought', and another 'experience I desire, thoughts made me perspire'. I made love to Rashmi thinking perhaps this must be the meaning of life if nothing else that I had uncovered carefully step by step through my search for the truth was. I went into my early morning shift at Shell Wigmore with a new title hovering in the mind as the truth: the Lure of Realisation. He had lured me into a particular path of truth-search which destroyed my scientific career and reputation, but I had eventually found out the truth as summarised/contained in my email to Professor Robert Winston on the question of 'Why do we believe in God?' - I believed that He would not have let me send out anything knowing that I wrote only the truth of what I knew. In a way I had eventually forced Him to act on me to clarify the issue for I was determined to write something to Professor Winston. And with no further clarifications received since despite attempts to understand the cryptic message sent I now had to get on with life satisfied with that outcome to my search. The unanswered questions must remain for someone else to provide clarifications to. And yet the email perhaps does provide all the clarifications necessary when considered with the rest of these memoirs.

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