All of what I have written in this blogsite concerning my spiritual journey of revelation into theism is not convincing me today of its reality. I really have got no real evidence of the existence of a Personal God. The connections that I have made in the past were in all probability delusional. They have no substance and no durability in my personal convictions.
For the record since 20 July 2012 have been doing a great deal of digital clock checking for sightings of ‘7’ as a means of confirm that God was revealing Himself to me and showing me that what I have been doing in my personal life was known to Him and had his blessings. It got me nowwhere in my real personal life. I attained nothing of any substance that actually mattered. In fact my certainty of being on the right track of truth got banned from another discussion forum website (Secular Cafe) and my Secular Pacifists idea has not generated any interest whatsoever in the discussion forum website that I opened. My blogs not thus far got me any significant kind of recognition that I have been party to any great revelation of knowledge through the Truth Consciousness mechanism of God as part of his plan for me. I am still a petrol station cashier in the United Kingdom. My complaint of poster harrasment at Talk Rational.org to the Police was given the short shrift by them and I was sent on my way. So what more proof do I need that I had no mission of God that I followed in my life to show the world anything of substance.
I was testing whether God was available for communication purposes. The logic was if He was so great and could do anything he liked like generating the universe, he would have no problem in acting through my mind to take me to see him regularly when the clock times showed a total of ‘7’, since ‘7’ is known in religious circles as being the Numerological signficance attached to God. The results of my experiements with the digital clock in this way showed that God did not reveal himself to me: no consistent pattern of numbers were observed to indicate whether he existed to know what I was doing and what was required of him in response to make himself known to me. So this was the final proof for me that there is no God that people should waste time over. I do not know of any other way of communicting with God so that was my only and final attempt to resolve the question of whether there is a Personal God.
When I first started doing this I was a strong theist who not only believed in God but worshipped in devotion and faith. In that mode I expected God to confirm his real presence and show me that my faith was well founded. So I would say: I am coming to see you now not having any idea of what the time was, and on the understanding that if I saw the time as a ‘7’ on the digital clock (12.04, 12.13, 12.22, etc) it would mean that you God have acted on my mind and body and got me to walk over to the clock with precise timing such that I would see the ‘7’, your special number. I did this repeatedly over hundreds of times especially over the past four months. I got numerous sightings of ‘7’ but in the end when evaluating the results found that there were equally as many negative numbers so that God was not coming to me this way when I needed it most.
If a faithful and devoted truth-seeker like me could not find God this way, it was because He was not omnipotent, omnibenevolent so no God. That is what I concluded from my trials. I only wanted his help as a Saviour God to whom I went in faith and devotion. If he rejected me despite all my pleas for help to reveal himself to me that is not a God. A God is someone who listens to prayers. I did not ask him for any material things like winning the lottery, only to show that he was real. It was not a demand, a request but which would be measurable as evidence. If he did not listen to such pleas he is not a Personal God. Period.
It should be borne in mind that I first started developing a means of communicating with God using a digital clock back in 1999 not as a means to test his presence, but to get instructions from him on how to lead my life to get the best outcomes for myself in total faith – boundless faith. It was only when after years of doing so using different numbers for communication that it was dawning on me that I had made nothing of any substance with my life, ended up in a mental hospital, and picked up the pieces of my life as a cashier in a petrol station (despite my fistful of qualifications and scientific papers) that I decided that I had to now test with an elaborate single number 7 system of whether there was really a God that I was assuming earlier as coming to me through digital clock messages. This culminated in this autumn’s trials. The early strong theistic faith therefore proved to be fruitless, of no consequence, and so a delusionary attachment of my mind. After 15 years I had nothing to show for the years of faith. I clearly lost my last job because of my faith that God was getting me to do things. In fact I lost my scientific job in 1997 because of some faith that the nuances on my poor gullible mind and whatever was happening to me were God’s work. I have been bitten by the God delusion too many times over the past 15 years. Twice in mental hospital as a result of intense faith is enough: I cannot risk a third police capture or the psychiatrists might resort to the electric shock treatment this time. I will stay in my petrol station job where I have worked for 2 years full time now and where I am liked by my bosses. And it is only 3 minutes walk from my home and pays all my bills. I should stay put and live out the rest of my life in peace now.
In view of this realisation I do not wish to fool anyone that I have found the ultimate evidence of the presence of a Personal God in this universe. I have in fact found no such thing. My latest post at Religious Forums has not been commented on by Vrindavana Das or by anyone so that my idea of having realised Sri Krishna under the achintya bheda bheda tatwa was also totally delusional as a personal experience.
Have I reverted to Atheotheism? No atheotheism was a phase that I went through when I had hopes of seeing a Personal God at the end of the horizon of my sights. I have been walking towards that horizon and found that never got any nearer: so it was a total mirage. That is what God is a mirage that is never there for one to be able to attain simply because it was always going to remain the horizon of my travels. I never got there. I was assuming that there is a God and just kept on travelling in the hope that he would reveal himself sooner or later for all my faith. It never happened.
And although there are unresolved questions in my mind of how abiogenesis and evolution happened to come about as there is uncertainty on how the universe came into being, there are reasons to suspect that an intelligent Creator God would have taken the trouble of creating these things and then simply disappeared from view leaving no evidence that creation had a purpose of his as Deists like to think. The Deists position is simply not credible.
Thus, after 15 years of tantalising search, this is as firm a conclusion that I have come to this matter and cannot see how it can ever be reversed now. I am simply not searching any more at the age of 55 because I have given up all hopes of getting close to that horizon from a personal daily struggle in search. I cannot again be an atheotheist because my search is over. I am no longer looking at the horizon and walking towards it. I am once again an atheist.
I do believe in truth: in satya-advaita: oneness with truth, but not of truth being part of a Truth Consciousness property of the universe and God. Truth is still the most powerful force that one can muster to drive oneself in life. This truth-seeking and oneness with truth means that I must now reject what failed to see as being true, that is the existence of a Personal God. That truth is that I have no evidence that a Personal God has been communicating with me or even exists.
Am I a strong atheist or a weak atheist: I am a strong atheist because if God existence is denied he could not have created the universe and life in it. It makes no sense for a God to go through all the trouble of creating the universe and life for man and not make himself seen despite the terrific efforts that I have records at home that prove that I employed. I will keep those records as evidence if proof was needed by any party.
31 May 2013 Update: On 21 March 2013, I changed my mind and realised that there is a Personal God. This was realised through a combination of rationalising events that took place in my life https://satyaadvaita.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/dr-shantanu-panigrahi-has-swung-back-to-a-belief-in-a-personal-god-on-21-march-2013/, renewed deja vu-type experiences and further positive sightings of ‘7’ at critical times from my advaita clock checking habit. It has been a roller coaster ride over 15 years of search but I am a theist who today sees no reason to change his mind that God is watching and has made things happen for me.