19 November 2006
Regardless of what the future held for me I believed that God created mankind to leave behind His-story for people to think about and marvel over, and my life is a miniscule part of that infinite story.
I took Rupa to her drama rehearsal this Sunday and decided that I should resume my scientific paper writing as soon as possible (after a break of nine years seeking justice in the UK and delving into God) in order to keep myself occupied in my spare time and not to let the earlier-accumulated research data go to waste. Accordingly I told Rashmi that I no longer needed my books on religion so that these could now be disposed of to make room in our study for my scientific work and for Rupa's studies. On second thoughts however I decided that Rupa might wish to read the books on religion as she grew older so that getting rid of them to an Indian society, a Hindu organisation or to the waste paper bin was inappropriate. I also considered that I should take off my janeo sacred thread for I had stopped actively searching for evidence of God, and continuing to wear the janeo might imply either a fear of God or an attachment to the Source of all knowledge (Brahma), both of which were inappropriate. However, giving up the janeo may indicate a presumption that I had found the eternal truth and had no need for its confirmation, which proved not to be the case; and it could also have a negative effect on Rupa and Rashmi so that I would need to reconsider the matter before taking such a step. I took off my gold necklace with the murti of Ganesh as being a minor god of whom I had no real understanding and for the fact that Ganesh had not appeared to me in any shape or form. (This turned out not to be true for my earliest feeling of satisfaction from worshipping God came in a temple complex in Orissa some 10 years or more ago, when I had felt a strong sensation flowing through my body while bowing my forehead at the feet of a Ganesh murti).
Rashmi continued to bring my medication to me, 2 mg of Risperidone every other day, and I took it so as not to upset her 'apple cart' of understanding and the planning of our lives.
21 November 2006
In the end I needed to be free of God; perhaps because I was not a sanyasi but a family man with responsibilities so that much as I desired to be at one with the truth incidents showed me that this had not been perfectly attained in my case.
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM FREE AT LAST?
Dr Shobha had asked me to make a list of my delusions and I also needed the full truth to surface for appropriate examination. I therefore took an electronic copy of these memoirs, entitled 'ignorance is bliss' to my appointment with her on 22 November but she had not turned up due to illness. I asked her secretary to print out a copy and left this for Dr Shobha to read and rearrange our appointment as she considered appropriate. I also emailed a copy of this book to my younger sister in response to her email the day earlier about our trip to India in December which I was not looking forward to because of the complexities of the travelling arrangements. She wrote: no matter where they take us journeys are always welcome for the respite they give us and the source of knowledge that they inevitably become.
30 November 2006
Rashmi was in favour of me discarding my janeo, but she wanted me to wear the necklace with the murti of Ganesh out of respect to my stepmother. In the meantime I had been to the library and had read the discourses of Sri Sathya Sai Baba on the Internet, and was therefore still searching for the truth. I replaced my janeo and put on the necklace again. I had therefore not been able to obtain freedom from God. My mind had continued to question whether He was still protecting us in our day-to-day lives and whether I was free of ignorance. God was the sanctuary, and there was no freedom from It: hence, the non-dual nature of our existence.