Where do we go from here?
18 February 2007 morning.
I was asked by my disabled sister-in-law, Jhuna, during the last holidays in India, 'have you seen God?' I had replied to this quietly almost in a whisper, 'Yes, I have. But don't tell anyone, promise?' She promised. I had made her promise because I was not sure if it was a delusion or not, but when a very good person like her living life in a physically disabled state asked, I had to tell what I felt I knew as the truth (for I had seen Vishnu in my dreams for one thing, and had other incidents of darshan) in order to give her hope for her future.
The previous night I had slept well and dreamt that I was in the company of former colleagues and was admiring their scientific papers and wondered if this was a clue God was providing that I should now get on with writing my own papers. By the morning however I became distrustful of the meaning of the dream. When Rashmi came to bed early in the morning as she did following her night of ironing clothes on Saturdays I was ready for sex but did not wish to force myself in any way on her so after showing her that I was ready for it allowed her to make the sexual moves as she wanted and by trying to prolong it for her needs, for I truly cared for her regardless of the existence of God. I had offered my 'nama' to Him before going to bed thinking that I had realised Him after all but by the morning I was changing to ignoring His existence. After all what was this so-called realisation? Self-evident fact or not, what was the actual proof of God and the Universal Being? I even considered that God had taken me for a ride, giving me a sort of visions that had led me to following the particular path that I had done at the University of Greenwich, which led to me losing my beloved job as a scientist and through which I used to go to so many places and work for the welfare of poor farmers; I had not got my job back, that was a fact, so that the visions and the following saga could have been based on a delusional fantasy story and an unwise decision to have given Him the benefit of the doubt that God existed. It had led to 10 years of suffering for me and Rashmi.
There was now the big question of whether to publish these memoirs or not. I had kept Trafford Publishing hanging on by emails to say that the book was not quite ready yet, but the matter was very complex. Apart from the fact that readers would see me to be a stark-raving lunatic, even if I took the view that it's publication would be beneficial to mankind for it presented facts that would lead to the better treatment of psychatric patients, (for example, like Mary Stopes book on married sex benefitted mankind) there were other considerations. Firstly, it was going to cost us a £1000 which we could not afford as we had only just started rebuilding our family finances having opened another savings account, and were still unable to build our house in India and could not be as charitable as we would have liked to our relatives there. More seriously, the University of Greenwich could sue me for defamation, or the courts could charge me with contempt of court. The UK State could even bring charges of inciting hatred or glorifying terrorism or even treason against me on the basis of some of the contents. They may throw Rashmi out of her job at the Ministry of Defence on national security grounds as being married to a subversive. I could end up back in a mental institution, so that it was for the best for the memoirs to be resting with Dr Shobha in confidence as she had said to me. For such reasons I had also once asked Rashmi if she would publish the book after my death. However, we had a brief discussion the previous day when she at first said, 'print one copy and send it to the University of Greenwich for it is about them mostly', but later she retracted saying that Rupa may have to go to study or work there in the future, so we better not send it even though I did have the University's email address. Should I read anything into this exchange now that I had considered that I was none the wiser for having gone through this saga?
Above all I recalled an incident during a train journey in India about a dozen years ago when on talking to a unknown lady traveller in our compartment she had commented that I seemed to be a person of very good nature and behaviour, and I had prided myself on that observation. As I brushed my teeth this morning pondering over the Universal Reality and God I looked myself in the mirror and saw that a game was effectively going on between It and me. It was Professor Maggie Gill's face I had seen as the Evil one years ago in the mirror as I was struggling whilst still in the University of Greenwich. Now I found myself in a position that made it clear that I had learnt nothing much through my struggles, especially not on what my duties and my conduct ('sabhyata') should be in society, let alone on the purpose of life itself. On the contrary, pursuing the truth about myself and the rest of it had left me with the black mark of being labelled as a person of misconduct in society and in the world, and that was now responsible for both for our financial mess and the lack of any intellectual pursuits for me.
However, after reflecting on a note by Rashmi (on some hand-written notes of mine), that 'there must be no research on God' and from her constant crossing out of my notes I wondered if this is what the Universal Being actually wanted. I knew from self-analysis that I would not send out any material in written form that was not the truth and I knew that my memoirs were true. So if I published my memoirs was it me publishing it or was it It? If it was God, then He should protect me and my family from all its consequences, not least because I had assumed that He would always protect the truth which is the same as the Ultimate Reality, that is, He would protect Itself. I could not take the chance of sending it for publication or even to the University of Greenwich for its comments for they could use it to go to the courts to complain that I was harassing them again after not having paid all their costs on the first ME01043 Court Order.
My final decision was that I had to leave the matter standing: if the Ultimate Reality wanted it published It should make it happen in Its own time and place. After all I could not now be sure of the two 'facts' that I had presented to Professor Lord Robert Winston as the reasons for why we should believe in God. Apart from uncertainty about the mysterious processes in the human mind that leads to the self-realisation of God, how could I say for sure that the Universal Being had drawn attention to Itself through momentous world events (for example, there were question marks over the historical basis of Jesus Christ as well as of the Mahabharatta and the Ramayana that predated it by perhaps 3 thousand years; and who knew for sure the truth about the ancient Israelites, there were no documented historical records from those times so it could all be fairy tales, as referred to by Robert Kilroy Silk). Similarly, what proof was there that God made His presence felt to those who lived in devotion to Him: I, for one, had not a decent job to live properly on let alone getting my scientific job back at the University of Greenwich. How long would we survive financially with my present £5.50 per hour job? And these were 8 long hours of constant work that I did at Shell Wigmore, sometimes following up an evening shift with one early in the morning, constantly wondering if I would make a mistake in cash-handling or other aspects of work that could lead to dismissal from the job. In light of this turn of events was there ever a deal or a mission for me in this world?
I decided that I could not proceed with my life in the same way as before, that is taking action that might incur the wrath of the UK State or its members against me. But if I had found the truth so far and had seen Vishwaroopa perhaps I may yet get to the predicted or a more desirable end. Should I also abandon devotion to Him as I understood devotion? Could I live without God after once saying that He is everything including me? The only way forward was to leave matters standing and wait for concrete real events to take place. I had brought most of the contents of my book to the psychiatrists knowledge any way so that I had fulfilled my side of the deal, that is, to have raised the truth about the University of Greenwich and the treatment I had received at the hands of the UK State, to the surface, as was my compulsion to do; and a copy of the memoirs was sent on the Internet to my sister so that it was available for mankind through an electronic record of it. Since the subsequent truth was now unclear, with hind sight this morning I could not now send these memoirs to anyone.
Above all I considered that if the Universal Being intended for the truth of what was contained in the email to Professor Robert Winston to be known, not least because it stated that the Universal Being had drawn attention to Itself by various means, this suggestion should be tested by mankind in the appropriate manner. And the matter was with Professor Winston for appropriate consideration. He would move the matter forwards if It desired. That is, if I truly had a mission that the Universal Being was drawing attention to Itself again, It would ensure in It's own way that my memoirs would become generally available for the benefit of mankind.